I'd Rather Be Dead Than Red

by Steven L. Smith

I'm sick and tired of what's going on in this country today. Seems to me that everyone thinks communist Russia has gone away. Let me tell you something, them dastardly reds are alive and well and plotting our doom at this very moment!

Back in my day, we were always on our toes. We knew the reds could strike at any moment, and we lived in a constant state of fear and paranoia. That's the only reason why they didn't attack, cause they could never catch us unprepared. Nowadays, people think Russia is our buddy, and that we need to help them, cause they're having so many problems. Phooey! Everyone's too stupid to realize that it's a trick, and that the soviet war machine is poised to strike at any moment!

Let me tell you something, I know all about the reds. I signed up for the army when I was twelve. I killed three dozen nazis in WWII, and that's when I first encountered the reds. Sure, we were glad to have their help, but after the war was over they didn't want to go home. Looking back on it now, I think we should have killed them all when they refused to leave Europe. Hell, we could have dropped an A-bomb on Moscow instead of nuking the japs twice. Then again, them rice-eating bastards killed a bunch of our boys, so maybe they deserved what they got.

We could have A-bombed all the reds back to the stone age. If MacArthur and I were in charge that's exactly what we'd have done. MacArthur used to have a saying. He'd always say, "We should nuke them cock-sucking reds before they nuke us." Eisenhower never had the balls to do it. Hell, now that I think about, he was probably a red himself. They were everywhere back then, always hiding. Them cowardly bastards.

Russia was growing in power, and we weren't doing anything about it. First they get the bomb, then they conquered outer space. Something had to be done. I tried to get Kennedy to understand, but he was a dick. Next thing you know, he's dead and LBJ's in charge. Now he was a great president. He had big plans to kill all the world's commies, and we were gonna start with the Vietcong. I was first in line when it came time to go over there. Killing them reds was the best time of my life. But all that commie-killing joy came to an end when I heard we were going to pull out. Bullshit! I disappeared into the jungle and spent the next eight months hunting down and killing as many reds as I could. After I ran out of ammo my killing spree began to slow. I could kill a platoon with my knife and jungle wits, but it was only a matter of time before I was gunned down and captured.

I spent the next ten years in a North Vietnamese P.O.W. camp. I tell you what, I saw some sick and twisted things in that camp. The reds were more technologically advanced than I had ever thought. They had this serum that could turn any patriotic, God-loving American into a communist drone. I saw some of our boys, who had been injected, walking around communing just like a red. They injected me too, but my intense hatred of the commies was enough to make me immune. When they realized I couldn't be broken they introduced me to another one of their surprises. They had torture robots far more advanced than any American robot from that time. Damn things walked around like zombies, and they constantly insulted freedom, democracy, and God.

So I finally escape and make it back to the states, and it turns out Reagan is president now. I don't know much, but I do know that back in my day most movie stars were communists. Reagan was an ass. I tried to tell him all about the commie robots, but he was more concerned about terrorists blowing up airplanes. Hell, it wasn't the arabs blowing our shit up. It was the reds. Think that the Challenger explosion was an accident? Think again.

Turns out the soviet war machine had a new tactic. They'd hide like cowards and pretend that they didn't exist. The free world thinks that when the Berlin wall came down the "cold war" was over. In reality, all of Germany has been conquered, and there is no longer a need for a wall. The entire Gulf war was just a ploy to test America's technology. Remember them robots I saw back in Nam? I can only imagine what kind of robots the reds have today.

Next thing you know, the Soviet Union collapses? Bullshit! This is obviously all part of their master plan, and it is working cause all you dumb asses are too stupid to realize what's going on. If the reds don't exists then there's no need to fear an invasion, right? Ever wonder why China gave Clinton all that money? It's because he's a communist agent! You think that Russia is hurting for money and food, but in reality they are more powerful now than they have ever been. The illusion is perfect. When you look at the Mir space station you see a piece of shit. That's what they want you to see. I believe that the Russian space program never lost any steam. Their cosmonauts are probably looking down on us from the moon, plotting our demise, and spitting on our beloved American moon-flag.

I urge every American to take arms, and prepare for the invasion. Join the NRA, which as of this moment stands for Non Red American. Live in fear and paranoia. Your next door neighbor may be a Russkie. Fly the American flag proudly in your front lawn, and question those who don't follow your example. Let's rebuild our armies by forcing our children to join the service. Go down to your local Chinese restaurant and bust that place up. The Soviet war machine will invade, and they will be more advanced, and they will have their robots and commie serum, but the one thing they don't have is me and people like me, who are willing to die for what they believe in. I may be seventy two years old, but I'll kill as many of them bastards as I can. I pity those who don't follow my lead, cause when the commies come they will take away your freedom. I, for one, would rather put a bullet in my head, cause I'd rather be dead than red.