Reggie Fils-Aime Interview
Hi, folks. It's me, Gamesuck's PR Director, Billy Burgerhammer. I'd like to
apologize for not touching base with ya more often, but I've been too busy playing
all the stellar games Nintendo released in 2004. Metroid Prime 2 just blew me away,
as did Pikmin 2, Mario Tennis 2, and Paper Mario 2! Nintendo truly
is the master of innovation in the video game industry.
I just can't wait to learn more about their upcoming plans. I'm sure they
intend to create exciting new ways of playing video games. They won't simply
release a more-powerful console that plays
high-resolution versions of games people already own, like Sony and Microsoft are
likely to do. Hee Haw! In an attempt to learn more about Nintendo's future strategy,
I've been granted an exclusive interview with their executive vice president of sales and
marketing, Reggie Fils-Aime.
Burgerhammer: Oh my goodness! Thank you so
much for taking the time to talk with me.
Reggie: Shut your Mountain Dew-hole, fatty! Before we get started
I have a question for you: Where the hell are your clothes, and will you
please put them back on?
Burgerhammer: Sorry. It's a long story.
We can reschedule if you want.
Reggie: Ugh, No! Let's get this over with as quickly as possible.
Just be warned that things like this make me want to kick ass and take names!
Burgerhammer: Oh, that's so cool! That's like your
catch-phrase isn't it? Reggie's all about kicking ass and taking names!
Reggie: Yes, our Japanese masters are now letting us use the word 'ass'
in Nintendo of America's press releases as a way of letting gamers know that
Nintendo is not a "kiddie" company. They've also okayed our use of 'internet',
'competitors', and 'failure'.
Burgerhammer: That's great! Now, third-party
developers will no-longer see Nintendo as a tyrannical lumbering dinosaur, who
at one time used its strangle-hold on the market to rape them. Instead, Nintendo will
be seen as an innovative creative force, who will use its strangle-hold on the market
to rape them.
Reggie: Indeed. In fact, Nintendo fully expects and demands third-party
support for our upcoming console.
Burgerhammer: You're talking about the Nintendo
Revolution right? What can you tell us about the Revolution, and what
is the "paradigm shift" Nintendo has been using to hype it?
Reggie: Well, Nintendo has discovered video games just aren't selling anymore.
Take Metroid Prime 2 for example. It was the best game available during the
holiday shopping season, and it only sold about 500,000 copies. If the best game available
did so poorly then just think about all the other games, like Halo 2 and
Grand Theft Auto, that must have been equal disappointments. The problem
is gamers are tired of playing the same old games in the same old ways, and they
want wacky peripherals and zany apparatuses. That's the Revolution!
Burgerhammer: I see, but Nintendo has always been the
industry leader in the amount of gadgets that plug into its consoles. What then is the
Reggie: Ah, well, I'm sure you've heard that the Revolution will
connect to a computer monitor in addition to a television. This is because Nintendo
has harnessed the power of the internet for use in gaming! The Revolution
will go online, but not in the traditional sense of "going online."
Burgerhammer: Finally! Hee Haw! Hee Haw!
Reggie: Yes, we're very pleased with...hang on, do you smell something?
Burgerhammer: Sorry. I soiled your chair.
Reggie: That was you!? It smells like a sewage truck exploded in here!
This interview is over!