Reggie Fils-Aime Interview

Hi, folks. It's me, Gamesuck's PR Director, Billy Burgerhammer. I'd like to apologize for not touching base with ya more often, but I've been too busy playing all the stellar games Nintendo released in 2004. Metroid Prime 2 just blew me away, as did Pikmin 2, Mario Tennis 2, and Paper Mario 2! Nintendo truly is the master of innovation in the video game industry.

I just can't wait to learn more about their upcoming plans. I'm sure they intend to create exciting new ways of playing video games. They won't simply release a more-powerful console that plays high-resolution versions of games people already own, like Sony and Microsoft are likely to do. Hee Haw! In an attempt to learn more about Nintendo's future strategy, I've been granted an exclusive interview with their executive vice president of sales and marketing, Reggie Fils-Aime.

Billy Burgerhammer
Burgerhammer: Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me.

Reggie: Shut your Mountain Dew-hole, fatty! Before we get started I have a question for you: Where the hell are your clothes, and will you please put them back on?

Burgerhammer: Sorry. It's a long story. We can reschedule if you want.

Reggie: Ugh, No! Let's get this over with as quickly as possible. Just be warned that things like this make me want to kick ass and take names!

Burgerhammer: Oh, that's so cool! That's like your catch-phrase isn't it? Reggie's all about kicking ass and taking names!

Reggie: Yes, our Japanese masters are now letting us use the word 'ass' in Nintendo of America's press releases as a way of letting gamers know that Nintendo is not a "kiddie" company. They've also okayed our use of 'internet', 'competitors', and 'failure'.

Burgerhammer: That's great! Now, third-party developers will no-longer see Nintendo as a tyrannical lumbering dinosaur, who at one time used its strangle-hold on the market to rape them. Instead, Nintendo will be seen as an innovative creative force, who will use its strangle-hold on the market to rape them.

Reggie: Indeed. In fact, Nintendo fully expects and demands third-party support for our upcoming console.

Burgerhammer: You're talking about the Nintendo Revolution right? What can you tell us about the Revolution, and what is the "paradigm shift" Nintendo has been using to hype it?

Reggie: Well, Nintendo has discovered video games just aren't selling anymore. Take Metroid Prime 2 for example. It was the best game available during the holiday shopping season, and it only sold about 500,000 copies. If the best game available did so poorly then just think about all the other games, like Halo 2 and Grand Theft Auto, that must have been equal disappointments. The problem is gamers are tired of playing the same old games in the same old ways, and they want wacky peripherals and zany apparatuses. That's the Revolution!

Reggie Fils-Aime

Burgerhammer: I see, but Nintendo has always been the industry leader in the amount of gadgets that plug into its consoles. What then is the "paradigm shift?"

Reggie: Ah, well, I'm sure you've heard that the Revolution will connect to a computer monitor in addition to a television. This is because Nintendo has harnessed the power of the internet for use in gaming! The Revolution will go online, but not in the traditional sense of "going online."

Burgerhammer: Finally! Hee Haw! Hee Haw!

Reggie: Yes, we're very pleased with...hang on, do you smell something?

Burgerhammer: Sorry. I soiled your chair.

Reggie: That was you!? It smells like a sewage truck exploded in here! This interview is over!

Gamesuck says: Billy Burgerhammer is an avatar not to be confused with Planet GameCube's founder Billy Berghammer, who is not a spaz.

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