Bush Declares War on PlayStation 2
04/03/03
A defiant President Bush promises to put a swift end to what he calls "CrapStation" technology.

Shocking gamers around the world, U.S. President George W. Bush has declared war on the Sony PlayStation 2 (PS2).

The United States has long accused the leadership behind the PS2 of selling the system to millions despite the fact it doesn't have one game worth owning. In an effort to prove this to the world, Secretary of State Colin Powell took his PS2 to a UN Gaming Council meeting and demanded to see "just one decent game." Sony produced so-called "mega blockbusters" like Devil May Cry 2, Xenosaga, and Tenchu 3: Wrath of Heaven, which only led to heated debate and no verdict in the council.

Sony then presented a "game" that convinced France and Germany that the PS2 was worth owning. When the other UN Gaming Council delegates discovered this "game" was, in fact, a DVD of the movie Sweet Home Alabama starring Reese Witherspoon, the U.S. gained the support of Great Britain and Australia. Prime Minister Blair asked, "How many more DVD movies need to be butchered before the UN decides to take action?"

President Bush had threatened to declare war with or without UN backing, and followed through by ordering the U.S. attack on PlayStation 2 to begin in what the Pentagon has called Operation: No Hype. "I believe this is the right thing to do," said President Bush in an address to the nation. Holding up the awkward system he drove his point home, "Look at it. Just look at it!"

PlayStation President Kraulos summoned hardcore gamers everywhere to rise up and revolt against this unwarranted attack on "their" system. "Show the evil aggressors that you love PlayStation," urged Kraulos in a taped appearance on Tech TV. Attacking Bush he spat, "Don't believe the drunken cowboy's lies!" It remains unclear if the Kraulos on this tape is the true Kraulos, as he has been cloned many times.

War analysts indicate the war against the PS2 could take months, since combat with video game consoles is always unconventional. Another worry is that the war may push Microsoft into developing nuclear weapons. "The United States plans to attack the Xbox when they're done with the PlayStation 2," hissed Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "Mark my words, we will defend ourselves!"

Kraulos orders gamers everywhere to spill the sweet sweet blood of the infidel trespassers.

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