Dave Perry Threatens New Release
Dave "Badass" Perry
As a result of the swirling rumors that indicate Dave Perry may be considering
developing a new video game, Gamesuck.com has raised our
Video Game Suckometer to its orange level.
Dave Perry is the president of Shiny Entertainment and the self-proclaimed
"mastermind" behind titles such as McDonald's Global Gladiators, Earthworm Jim,
and 7-Up Cool Spot. Rumors of an imminent Shiny release began after a web-surfer
inadvertently stumbled upon their
website. "I was looking for products to clean my
silverware," said the surfer, who wishes to remain anonymous. "Instead, I was greeted
by wild tribal drums, strange flashing symbols, and promises of future games. It
was just terrible!"
The Gamesuck staff can corroborate the story. Shiny's
website is indeed full
of bizarre and cryptic messages concerning possible future releases. The most
disturbing of which states, "Shiny Entertainment is currently hard at work on
its upcoming project, a followup to the groundbreaking Enter the Matrix."
As for Enter the Matrix's groundbreaking achievement: we can only assume
Shiny is referring to the cracked floors of the countless discount stores that received
the game via dump trucks in drove. In any case
Gamesuck took their quote as a threat; reason enough to raise our Suckometer to its
second highest level.
As you may know, Enter the Matrix is based on the terrible Matrix movie
sequels and enjoyed modest success after
game magazines purposely confused gamers by over-hyping the game for months,
only to ridicule it in review.
The Suckometer will remain at the Extreme Level until we can confirm whether
or not this new game project is a figment of Dave Perry's imagination. After all,
plenty of companies have had delusions of actually producing titles right before they
went belly-up. Hopefully this will be the case, and we can all go back to simply
worrying about which handheld sucks more.
A message from the Gamesuck team
The staff of Gamesuck would like to apologize for making fun of Dave Perry, The
Matrix, and The Department of Homeland Security's Advisory System. It was far
too easy, and we promise to put more effort into our game journalism in the future.